ITS quiet here and something has shifted a gear inside of me. Sinc and Kat came for a cuppa and to work on TV connection. The Girls popped in for a little as they can do now. ITS A beautiful day and I am tired.
I still have Net trouble and TV trouble. Pest. Tomorrow is key hand over day. That really intimidates me. I feel sick at the very thought. But for once I am not flogging myself for finding it hard to face. I find it hard to face. End of story. If I don’t do it well – so be it.
I guess that when people reach the end of a Marathon, they don’t always dance up to the finishing line. Sometimes they stumble , fall and creep. Likely that will be me. Out of breath and unable to speak.
I need to do some sitting now and feel the changes sink in. I seriously need to not be pushed around or to dance around other people’s ideas.
I just dined on roast pork with Lise upstairs and TV and laughter.
I could get well here. I could. I have such resistance to getting well but am dragging my butt towards it as I have done for years of recovery from addiction. Thank God I have those tools.
Thank God I know what the dangers are and I know what works. I recognise the resistance.
PROCEED WITH COURAGE. CAUTION. CONFIDENCE.
BEWARE ISOLATION, ARROGANCE, IMPATIENCE.
SWEET LORD. What a haul this has been. These few days are better than any I have had for quite some time and I have felt safer and more rested than I can recall.
So tomorrow becomes the next fearsome obstacle. I am afraid. I am weary and afraid. If I do not feel inclined to meet the agent in person then I will not. I shall take whatever losses are involved and leave it at that.
Tucked in now. Looking at early bed. ONE MORE DAY, LUCE. ONE MORE DAY IS ALL. For tonight – read in bed. That is enough.