I was still too wiped out to go even to the meeting this morning. Back to bed for yet another day. I don’t know what’s Grief and what’s Addiction and what’s physical illness. I rather think its a combination of them all.
Best I also accept that I have nothing at all I want to write about just now. I am simply having experiences. And SLEEPING.
ONE EXPERIENCE I AM HAVING IS A LOT OF LOVING TIMES WITH THE KIDS .
Actually, I do have things to write but I feel like I shall take the lid off something explosive if I do write. Life seems to just be holding together and I am back in Kangaroo in Spotlight Mode. Frozen and afraid. Standing ever so still so I won’t be harmed. Thing is – there are things I need to attend to. Business matters – but I seem incapable of doing so. I am simply shutting down and enjoying the Kids but non-functioning in any other area. Soemtimes I simply want to sit down and sob. Sometimes I am just so frustrated to wake up and have such trouble breathing and not enough energy to even sit in a car and go to a meeting.
The weight stays on at 95 kilos and I am barely able to move at times. And sometimes, it breaks my heart. I want Izzy back. We looked after one another and things were easy. Now they are hard. Very hard. I think I have mucked up my money but can’t even bear to look at the account. That is only sometimes. Other times, I have the Little Girls. Other times, my brain kicks in and I function. Other times – well – Other Times have begun. Its been a long time without them. Sometimes, I am not devastated . Sometimes I am not afraid.