rain – just a little

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I have stayed home all day and slept most of it once again. I feel poorly. I didn’t even get to Swimming Class which is one of my favourite things.

This afternoon I took a short pony ride to the Prov and it rained. First time I have been wet in a long time.

The Doc called me and has asked me to come in re something in my blood test. I AM NOT SURPRISED. I feel wretched.

I feel a little bored and seem to have nothing to say but years back Marian told me to be glad of the Boring times because they would not last.

They do teach me to pay attention. To seek the hidden things.

ONCE, LONG AGO, I asked my brother how he managed to achieve the Artwork that he achieved and he said – YOU HAVE TO STAY PAST THE BOREDOM.

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Now its night. The dog, Luna, is upstairs. She’s crying because her owner has gone to the Pub for dinner.All week we have had next door’s dog crying the same way. I did not expect to be in the middle of all these dramas and muddlesome behaviours. There you go. Once I would have felt obligated to go fetch her down and mind her till they came home but I do not feel that obligation anymore.  She can do as she pleases up there.

I will take 2 Tramadors tonight. I am weary and pain filled. Its easing but I think one more night’s rest would help.

Last Xmas, my Brother asked me how I was and I simply could not cheer up. This year is OK. Not jubilant but pleasant. I can hear my daughter making her plans and tonight is OK. Izzy loved Xmas.

The bubbly Lise, might be good for me. Maybe.

The day is done. Just about.  The temperature is sweet and I am greatly rested and in far less pain. We have had some rain and the flowers are blooming out in my garden.

Good Night, Izzy. All is well here. Trust all is well with you.

SOMETIMES WONDERFUL THINGS HAPPEN – UNEXPECTEDLY.

A LITTLE MORE RAIN

Awfully tired. Struggling somewhat – in fact. No matter. I am developing a framework within which I can kind of live.  Tired and stiff with some level of pain.

We had some rain today and things were quiet here after so much noise of late.

I saw Antonia. An hour’s therapy. The Girls brought me home and we ate on the verandah of the Providore. Kaybee fixed my TV antenna for me which was very impressive.

I took a ride on the pony around to Planet and then a little later the sunset came with a glow – probably from the bushfires. Dorrigo road is still closed.

I shall have to look harder here in town to find the magic and feel the Spirits. The Island calls me most of all but I can only go to the edges because of its steepness and because access has been restricted.  I can take a look at the Cemetery and round the edge of the Island and I can soon try the lane to  Red Gum and go into town.

I am comfortable tonight nearing bedtime.

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CAN’T REMEMBER

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Buggared if I can remember what I did today. Please, give me a minute to recall.

Ah yes. Into town with the Girls. Looking around the shops. Then sleeping – as usual – and sleeping some more.

A visit from the Little Girl later in the day. Warms my heart. We had one small storm and now its a cool and pleasant evening. I have felt unwell today with pain on the right side of my abdomen. Some nausea.

I did go and get my bloods taken. It was the fasting tests and now she wants me to begin the Iron tablets.

I am certainly more unwell this week than last week. WE have boxed the Fetch to return via Courier.  I just need to ring them and let them know.  I have begun just a little on the boxes in the 2nd bedroom. I moved a big bag of heavy books today. That is something which I could not previously do.

Lise cooked moussaka for dinner and baked banana bread.

Now night is here and the TV is broken but its OK.

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FIRES NEAR US

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A day at home. There is a bushfire just west of town and it has closed the road from Bellingen to Dorrigo.

I spent the whole day at home. Just too some photos of the flowers in our garden and talked to Arkue.

Clean and Sober. Minimal pain.

Arkue would be able to see the fireworks at the Opera House in Sydney from her unit now. They are letting them off the band, Crowded House.  They just closed with the song

YOU’D BETTER BE HOME SOON.

It was a song that meant a great deal to me in early recovery and then again as Izzy and I became increasingly settled and content. Sometime before the World collapsed.

“Better Be Home Soon”

Somewhere deep inside
Something’s got a hold on you
And it’s pushing me aside
See it stretch on forever

[CHORUS]
And I know I’m right
For the first time in my life
That’s why I tell you
You’d better be home soon

Stripping back the coats
Of lies and deception
Back to nothingness
Like a week in the desert

[CHORUS]

So don’t say no
Don’t say nothing’s wrong
‘Cause when you get back home
Maybe I’ll be gone, oh

It would cause me pain
If we were to end it
But I could start again
You can depend on it

[CHORUS]

Oh, that’s why I tell you
You’d better be home soon

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THE FIRST NIGHT OUT

I resisted tonight – all down the line but I did go in the end and it was good. I did the meeting first to attend to the disease of addiction. Then went with Anastasia up to No 5. We ate well and talked with friends and listened to music. I am not very afraid when I am out now – not quite so afraid that I will collapse and be unable to get out of a situation.

I missed him tonight. We had so many good times and I wished he were singing but the memory had a mellowness to it. Not so bad.

Julie played TIMELESS for Izzy and spoke some words of tribute.  I felt a load lift off me and almost closed my eyes and wept right there in the Cafe. Oh Iz. Oh, my.

That was the next hurdle for me and I am unsure of what it was but I think it was significant. I enjoyed myself despite the many whispers of all the Gigs Izzy and I did together. I am lonely for that world.

ONE MORE RIVER CROSSED. ONE MORE RIVER CROSSED.

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CHRISTMAS SHOPPING AND GELATO

We did Coffs Harbour. I could not have done that a while ago.  I still fatigue and struggle but I AM doing it. I lean on the shopping trolleys and then I can make it. NO MATTER what happens from this point on, these days are wonderful things. We went for Gelato after Xmas shopping and the line of locals reached way out of the shop . Upstairs cooked my dinner and all in all – these days are to be treasured.

THINK NO MORE TONIGHT.

My mind is starting to roam off again. Into Fear and Death. Not tonight, my Love. Day is done. The kayaks are sold. $350. I loved having my own kayak but I DID NOT USE IT.  Cutting back and cutting back.

THINK NO MORE TONIGHT.

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THE RED SHOES

A DIFFERENT DISEASE BUT YET ANOTHER CASE OF BEING TREATED AND THEN SENT OUT INTO THE WORLD WITHOUT SUPPORT. THANK GOD FOR THE ONLINE COMMUNITIES. I CAME OUT OF YESTERDAY FEELING  “EMPOWERED” BECAUSE I HAVE REFUSED TO SIMPLY DO AS I WAS TOLD, OR AGREE WITH WHAT THE MEDICOS TOLD ME WHEN I DIDN’T AGREE AT ALL.  MANY OF THE ISSUES I HAVE ARGUED WHINGED AND ALIENATED PEOPLE OVER – HAVE PROVEN TO BE  TRUE. BRAVO TO ALL OF US.

From Sole to SoulWhen I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer in January 2015, my life changed.  This might seem an obvious statement, but it did not change in the ways you might expect.  Or at least, not only in the ways you might expect.There were tears, fear and grief.  A reshuffling of priorities.  Scheduling of surgeries and biopsies and medications and scans and blood tests.  So many bloody blood tests.But there was also a strength that emerged and continues to surge through me, like nothing I’ve ever felt before.  There’s a strange sense of relief.  Scintillating clarity.  Lots of hugs, and “I love yous”.  Precious nurturing.  Above all, a re-connection to spirituality, my relationship with which had become faint and trivialised in my life.  A sense that I truly am being taken care of, both physically and within a bigger picture.  And a red-hot feistiness that insists it’s not my time to go yet, with still far too much to do, see, achieve and experience on this planet.In short, I’ve become more myself this year than I have ever been.  I know who I am, what I need and what I want for myself, my health and my life.The strength and positivity I’ve found through this journey have not come about through band-aid like optimism. They’ve appeared when I’m honest, real and learning to move through life, day by day, with a focus on what works, what helps and what I need.In creating this blog, I want to share the journey with you.  Not just the journey of the challenges and practicalities of dealing with cancer (of which there was startlingly little information available), but also the gifts, strengths and inner resources this experience is revealing to me.  I want to share stories of recovery, insights, what worked, what didn’t and how we can make this journey a little less lonely for us all.

Source: THE RED SHOES