That was a big day for me. A 7.30 start and down to North Beach for the N.A. Rally. It was a specially hot day and there were about 70-80 people there. I KNEW it was a good day and I sat out front with Kitty from Byron and talked but I still struggle to give a shit about anything. I would like to give a healthy, successful recovery spiel but it truly is not like that for me. Its ghastly.
Today may well have been my next step forwards but it felt sickening and life without Izzy seemed damned pointless. The chance that I don’t make it through this remains. I look around at the people that once mattered to me – the people in the Fellowship – and its only a surface, idle mattering for me now.
The little girls and my own kids reach my heart – but everything else is – well – its not that significant.
I stare at them. I know I appear to be listening to people – and I am listening but I am not hearing. I just stare. Then I go away and forget about them. Then life turns grey again.
I actually think things are getting better but I would not like to be betting on me.
When I was with Izzy, I encountered something I had only had with Kids and now and then with my folks. There was absolutely nothing to measure up to from either side. Neither of us needed the other one to change even one iota. I had come home. We fitted into each other’s missing bits with ease.
Now , more is asked of me than I can easily or happily do or be. Now I feel Pressure again as I have done for so much of my adult life. Now I PUSH myself – and I don’t want to.
NONETHELESS – Maybe this is the edge of the next good stage. I DID get out and about and it is far easier living here than in the Shack. More difficult to swim and ride the Pony. Lonely and Boring at times but much better.
Now to bed and another night’s struggle for a tomorrow that lacks appeal. One night can change everything for the better.