I am in a right shit of a mood and have been all day. Too weary to move around or do any of the things I wanted to do – even simple things. Pissed off. LIKE – REALLY PISSED OFF.
It is SO lonely and SO difficult being like this. Noone wants to hear anymore whingeing. The organisations do not cater for the unwell. I AM SO PISSED OFF.
SOME OF the days are enormously difficult and complex. Its not really that bad but each setback disturbs me and I become sad and lonely. I want Izzy to come back.
And now I calm down. Prepare for bed. Lise and a friend moved a lounge onto the verandah. She brought food and did some odd jobs but I missed seeing my Girls.
KatRox is 17 today. Way down in Towamba.
I send in an Ombudsman complaint about Westnet as well as ringing them.
One of the reasons I call it a shitty little day is because I get so freaked over every small task. I am occupying only myself and the immediate environment.I am not moving through Space at all. Just to walk or sit someplace else is a big call. It IS like early addiction recovery. Initially, the almost total self centredness. THEN A gradual expanning of awareness. An outside noise. A flash of lightning. I can feel that happening but when the days like today come back – I am doing them tough. Trapped once more inside self and outraged.
Its one of the things I use the camera for. Focussing outside of my Self. And the Internet.
AH WELL. The day is done. Don’t freak out. Settle in. One day is all. Just one day. The fluid seems to be easing. I do not know how to get the weight off and it is cruel 5Feet tall and 100 kg near enough.
I CANNOT FIX MYSELF.