Journey To The Heart
December 13
Learn to Live with Ambiguity

Sometimes, the picture isn’t finished yet. Ideas, possibilities, hopes, dreams float around, circling us like asteroids around a planet. We may think events in our lives are happening aimlessly, without purpose. All we see are disconnected, floating blobs. We reach for them, try to grab them in our hands so we can connect them, force them into a whole, force them into a picture we can see, something that makes sense.

Let the pieces be. Let yourself be. Let life be. Sometimes, chaos needs to precede order. The pieces will come together in a picture that makes sense, in a beautiful work of art that pleases.

You don’t have to force the pieces to fit together if it’s not time. You don’t have to know. There is power sometimes in not knowing. There is power in letting go. Power is waiting. Power in stillness. Power in trust. There is power in letting the disconnected pieces be until they settle into a whole. The action you are to take will appear. Timely. Clearly. What you’re to do will become clear.

Let the pieces be, and they’ll take shape. Soon you’ll see the picture.

I stayed up talking to Arkue on the phone until 2 a.m. and then went early into the day to register the car and see the psych. It turned into a marathon day but I made it. I also drove the car to the psych’s myself. That opens another little door for me. We ate breakfast at Black Bear Cafe and generally did the street in staggering heat.

The pysch asked me about the weakness.

I told her that I become simply unable to stand or lift something – whatever. Its not like ordinary fatigue at all. It simply cannot be done – whatever it is that I am trying to do. No amount of practice and pushing myself fixes it.

Fortunately today was not like that – probably as a result of the infusions. I tired but was able to walk and join in things and as I said – DRIVE THE CAR.

So – so ! The weight needs to come off. God knows how. And somehow the BLOOD. Now that we know its not lungs or heart – BLOOD. Time for some meditative stuff and maybe see Paul the Chinese herbalist. Maybe.


DAY is done now. I am closing with these three images just to remind myself of how heavy an experience we have been through in my family. Of how fortunate I am to not be catheterised or crippled. That my mind works in its own odd way. That I lived.

Let nothing disturb you. Let nothing frighten you. Everything passes away except God.
Saint Theresa


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