BOXING DAY KAYBEE’S BIRTHDAY

That part of the process is done. Xmas and Kaybee’s Birthday. It was a pleasant experience despite the rising horrors at time and the sneaking shame. I did not contribute in any of the ways a woman is ” supposed” to do. Even less this year with the hospital week just before it and the staggering weakness I am home with.

I refuse to go under this time – to shame , loneliness or sorrow. But I still write about it because I KNOW how many people are out there – lost like me.

Not fitting. Not able to make choices or participate in the activities that the people around them are in. I was like it as a young girl and woman. Like it when I encountered sobriety and now once again with this illness and without Izzy.

I entered adulthood at the verge of the era when all girls were expected to marry and cook and clean and be groomed and I have spent a lot of my life traumatised between the world and the blessedly free world that came to me in the early 70s when the standards by which I were measured changed dramatically.  I had flourishing years living by the codes I valued, doing the things that interested me – but now I find myself in another cycle of defeat. Fuck ’em all – says I. Fuck em all.

SO – this is a tough night. It don’t matter. I have done it tough for too long now and am ran out of the emotion to match it.  In my own way I am afraid. I have black spots before my eyes which I didn’t have till this last infection and antibiotics regime.  I do not yet have the strength to go and get my shopping. So – I go a little hungry or eating poorly. I fail at situations like today when everyone else is contributing and I allow random sneering comments to brush against me.

I admit to a sneaking puzzlement about being left here by everybody after coming home from hospital. I know they were all occupied getting Xmas ready but I actually needed some shopping and help. I don’t know where to go for it.

Its late and I am tired and hurt in a corner of my happiness at my beautiful child and grandchildren.

Its a mere slip of the intelligence. Tomorrow we proceed. Tomorrow my son and his girl come to stay from 1000kms away.

I shall think about no more tonight. I shall simply read in bed.

Happy Birthday Child.

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THE DIMMING OF THE DAY

This old house is falling down around my ears
Im drowning in the river of my tears
When all my will is gone you hold me sway
I need you at the dimming of the day

You pulled me like the moon pulls on the tide
You know just where I keep my better side

What days have come to keep us far apart
A broken promise or a broken heart
Now all the bonny birds have wheeled away
I need you at the dimming of the day

Come the night youre only what I want
Come the night you could be my confidant

I see you on the street in company
Why dont you come and ease your mind with me
Im living for the night we steal away
I need you at the dimming of the day
I need you at the dimming of the day

RICHARD THOMPSON

AND NOW THE DIMMINGS OF MY DAY ARE UNCERTAIN AND DESOLATE PLACES

Izzy – I need you at the Dimming of the Day.

 lynne6

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