Today I went on the next seemingly undoable adventure. I rode the pony up the paths to Casuarina Ave and was at the Kids’ Place in only 5 minutes or so. The paths are steep and it was very hot but its done. That’s two destinations in two days. I still haven’t taken any medicines.
My pension has been affected because I have’t sent in a rent slip. I have uncollected mail from Urunga PO Box. No wonder I seek relief so often in illness. Handling the business matters of life is very draining when things are OK let alone in these times of shock and grief and illness.
I just posted Izzy videos en masse – reclaiming some fiery woman that I once was. Someone who was safe. Someone with a Beloved to talk to.
I am as mad as a wildcat. I would like to kick walls in and lift huge weights and hurt something.
That’s the reaction towards each improvement , to each venture back into the world that could very well ask more of me than I have the resources to meet.
The heatwave is back on us and its been the Classic Summer I had hoped for last year but was too sorrowful to enjoy. This year – its SUMMER. Guests , and loved ones and swimming in the creeks and the pool. SUMMERTIME.
I guess its just catching my breath before the next big thing. BIG. O Lord who would ever have thought I would one day be calling these things BIG ?
So here I am near midnight in a house temperature of 25 degrees or more. Wondering whether I shall sleep well – 2 nights or maybe even three, I have slept well. My head is not befogged tonight which is glorious. I have been able to move more easily despite the crippling weight of 95 kgs on my 5 foot frame.
Now and then the ongoing losses – hang on – its not the Losses – its my thoughts about the losses . Now and again those thoughts whisper insidious uglinesses to me. They induce feelings of failure in me. I pass the Alfa every day. Its at the garage just down the road and I have very few clothes.
When I convert the thinking to the advantages of a simplified life and don’t link it with failure – then things are OK and I can see a simple life once more as I had pre Izzy up in Bilambil. I shall maybe get my Bladerunner bag back from Eden and I have good leather sandals coming this week. Maybe – just maybe – I can go a travellin again.
Back in Raleigh, I saw the sunrises. I did the same in Bilambil. I don’t see them here. If I want some joy and some meaning in life here , I shall have to truly go a-hunting it. Truly open my eyes to the little things. Just keep going with the little doings and do not panic.
DO NOT PANIC.