Mornings come in many forms now. The last 2 nights I have slept well and woken about 9 am.m. Then the thinking starts. My meetings are on 2 a week which is just not as many as I would like. I don’t have a car so I am restricted in where I can go and I would be restricted anyway as I struggle with the emotional state I am in. There are very few visitors , leaving me to long days alone and because this flat is underneath a house and at the back, I don’t have a passing parade or chats. I don’t see the sunrise or the sunset and the birds don’t seem to come down close. This is taking a good deal of adjustment for me.
The heat is building again. I have a meeting tonight – thank goodness and I just might ride the Pony to it.
You know – I NEVER think I do good enough. Afraid I won’t survive or take care of the ones in my care. Maybe I am OK. Maybe – its simply been the best I am and have been able to do.
I had a chance to do something today – but I didn’t do it.
So sorry I’ve been MIA. I’ve been EXTREMELY exhausted, among other things. Since having sepsis in September, I’ve been experiencing long episodes of struggling to breathe right, which have been getting worse and worse. My breathing gets irregular and I have to actually make a real conscious effort to breathe, else I feel like I’m going to quit breathing. I also feel lightheaded, dizzy, and like I’m going to blackout. My head goes in and out, if that makes any sense. I eventually drift off to sleep for a short while, but then I wake up startled from not breathing right. I finally called the ambulance and was taken to my local crappy ER late Sunday night, because my breathing had gotten so bad, it had reached a point where it was the worst it’s ever been. I had blood work ordered by a dr done Saturday morning, which showed a lot of abnormalities. One of the most concerning tests and subsequent results was my cortisol. My cortisol measured 1. something. Normal range is 6-30. I was experiencing breathing problems at the time and by late Sunday night, they’d reached an all time high. I didn’t know it, until I went to the ER, but I was having an adrenal crisis. The dr gave me a shot of 100mg of steroids. It really didn’t help much. I let them know that, but they discharged me anyway, even though I begged to be admitted. My oxygen kept dropping way too low, so the dr did say they were going to try to get me some oxygen at home, but didn’t send me home with any. I think the reason why is because I have crappy insurance more than anything, plus the fact the hospital is having financial trouble. Too make a long story short, my ER visit there was a nightmare. So, my Mom then took me to another hospital ER out of town Monday morning. It’s smaller, thus they have limited resources, but they’re so much nicer there.The Dr there gave me another 100mg of steroids through my IV and said if it didn’t work, then I was going to have to be intubated. It worked, but only about 40%. Thankfully, it was enough to keep me from being intubated though. My test results showed it brought my cortisol levels up, but just to 40, which is within normal range, but it really should have gone up much higher than that. I was told by the dr it was only a temporary fix, so I should double my adrenal medicine at home, until I can get in immediately to see an endocrinologist. Gratefully, I have an appointment February 8th or 9th, but it’s just not soon enough. I can’t remember the exact date and time, because I’m having really bad memory problems, but my Mom knows. The dr said with my previous diagnosis of hypothyroidism, but especially my hypoadrenalism, and having had sepsis in September, plus still feeling very ill since and the bad state my adrenals are in now, it appears as though I have now developed full blown Addison’s disease. The 200mg of steroids I was given feel like they’ve wore off now. It doesn’t feel like doubling my dose of my adrenal medicine is working very well either. I was just taking 20mg in the morning. Now I’m taking 20mg in the morning, plus 20mg at night. I feel like I have more damage from having sepsis than just to my adrenals and this is only the beginning of finding out what other damage I have. I just don’t know what else to do though. The dr said they didn’t have an endocrinologist that comes to the hospital to see in patients, but to come back, if I started having more problems. I’m still waiting on some more of my test results to come back, but based upon the tests and the results of them that have come back so far, they’ve shown I have a bunch of abnormalities. I really feel like I’m literally clinging to life here, but it’s so hard to get any dr to really listen to and help me. I truly feel like I need to be admitted to a much bigger and better hospital for a very, very thorough workup. I just can’t keep living like this. I feel like my body is shutting down, as if it just doesn’t have enough energy to keep going, even though all I’m doing is sleeping and when I’m awake, but only for a short while, all I do is go to the bathroom, get something to drink and maybe something easy to eat, turn on the TV and watch it a little bit. I hardly feel like moving, so it’s a struggle for me to even move to do anything. My poor Mom has such awful caregiver stress I’m trying to not add to it, but it’s so hard. It’s been almost 5 months now since I had sepsis, but getting to the bottom of finding out exactly what permanent damage it’s done, is proving to be a monumental task. Some of what my test results have shown so far is high cholesterol, high triglycerides, low hdl, borderline high calc ldl, high ammonia, low bun, low creatinine, high co2, low albumin, low tbil, low got-ast, low gpt-alt, low glom filter rate est stage 2 dec gfr, high c-reactive protein titer, low free t4, low tsh, low vitamin d 25, high rdw, high lymp%, high baso%, high abs lymph, high abs baso, etc. I’ve had other abnormal test results, but I just don’t have copies of them at this time, plus I’m waiting on other test results to come back sometime next week. I know what some of the abnormal test results mean, but I have no idea what they all mean. I can see my thyroid is struggling and I have a lot of inflammation, which I’m sure are contributing to me feeling so bad. Obviously, my cholesterol and triglycerides are bad, as well as my vitamin d, which I know aren’t good. How much they’re contributing to me feeling so bad though, I just don’t know. I sincerely apologize for my post being so long. It took me a long time just to write it. I have other issues/diagnoses which have came about too, since I’ve had sepsis, such as growths in both of my breasts that need to be biopsied then removed, growths in my uterus that have been found now, interstitial cystitis now, etc. I just don’t know what to say or do anymore to get the real help I need. I have all these blood test results abnormalities, plus abnormal conditions, which keep showing up, yet I have no idea what to do. I keep fighting to find any dr or drs to help me. I’m hanging on and trying to stay as strong as I can, but the struggles of just having to exist everyday feeling so bad like this and having to wait so long for any kind of help at all with one or another abnormality are very, very tough, especially when I know I need immediate medical care. If you’ve cared enough to read all this, I thank you very much. I sincerely welcome any feedback, insights, prayers, etc. I love you all, my sepsis family, who I hold very dear to my heart. I hope you are doing well. For those of you who are struggling too, you’re all in my thoughts and prayers, as always.
I almost gave up hope for recovering from my brain injuries after my test results came in. I went into a deep depression for a long time. It was the first time I wished I didn’t have a handicapped child, so I could just end it all. One day I was sick of being depressed all the time, so I started to work on assessing what the damage was and what I could do to ‘fix’ it. It took so long, but there was improvement, my kind of improvement. It’s pretty obvious I will never be the same, but I learned the way I fought to come back did make a difference in me…..so never totally take the word of doctors telling you what you can and cannot do. Never give up.