Still going downhill into a bleak place without much hope. I hate where I live. I feel very much alone and bored. Separate from family. I am now really broke when I was doing just fine. Buggared if I know what to do. I could try running through the Steps. I sure am out of all other ideas.
A couple of years of pure shite. I just don’t seem to get it right at all.
Its AA in town tonight but I just didn’t make it. Getting out of the house is SOOO difficult for me. Emotionally. I am lost.
I had the liver scan today and we went to Maccas. Despair kicked in as I reached the prison that is my home at the moment. I went for a short pony ride and saw nothing that took my interest.
Now – I am feeling a little better as I identify the resentments I am holding and the expectations I have had of other people. Quite reasonable but nonetheless fatal to me.
I expected to be able to make a home here with security and that hasn’t happened.
I expected to be away from drugs and alcoholic thinking and that hasn’t happened.
I expected to see a good deal of my Girls and that hasn’t really happened.
I expected to be comfortable financially and that hasn’t happened.
I expected to get lifts and to be at ease on the pony and that hasn’t happened.
There you go – a big pile of resentments making me ill.
Well – I don’t have any solutions tonight. I don’t know what will get me out of the house and mixing with people. I don’t know what will ease the resentments. BUT I have turned the spotlight onto them and there is the start.
Its nearing midnight and I am quite happy around about then. When the rest of the world has signed off – I am OK.