A few words about today. I once again woke flat and unhappy but a phone call came quickly and it was Shaz asking me out for coffee. I didn’t realise she meant coffee in a different town and a wonderful drive thrown into the bargain. We did Nambucca, Macksville and Bowraville and I felt like a bird freed from a cage. What a difference that day has made to me. Thanks Shaz. You have NO idea !
Still going downhill into a bleak place without much hope. I hate where I live. I feel very much alone and bored. Separate from family. I am now really broke when I was doing just fine. Buggared if I know what to do. I could try running through the Steps. I sure am out of all other ideas.
A couple of years of pure shite. I just don’t seem to get it right at all.
Its AA in town tonight but I just didn’t make it. Getting out of the house is SOOO difficult for me. Emotionally. I am lost.
I had the liver scan today and we went to Maccas. Despair kicked in as I reached the prison that is my home at the moment. I went for a short pony ride and saw nothing that took my interest.
Now – I am feeling a little better as I identify the resentments I am holding and the expectations I have had of other people. Quite reasonable but nonetheless fatal to me.
I expected to be able to make a home here with security and that hasn’t happened.
I expected to be away from drugs and alcoholic thinking and that hasn’t happened.
I expected to see a good deal of my Girls and that hasn’t really happened.
I expected to be comfortable financially and that hasn’t happened.
I expected to get lifts and to be at ease on the pony and that hasn’t happened.
There you go – a big pile of resentments making me ill.
Well – I don’t have any solutions tonight. I don’t know what will get me out of the house and mixing with people. I don’t know what will ease the resentments. BUT I have turned the spotlight onto them and there is the start.
Its nearing midnight and I am quite happy around about then. When the rest of the world has signed off – I am OK.
Today is a day like any other: twenty-four hours, alittle sunshine, a little rain.Listen, says ambition, nervously shifting her weight fromone boot to another — why don’t you get going?For there I am, in the mossy shadows, under the trees.And to tell the truth I don’t want to let go of the wristsof idleness, I don’t want to sell my life for money,I don’t even want to come in out of the rain.– Mary Oliver
I actually got up today. I knew I was going to a meeting. So I got up and the ducks were on the loose. Then Kaybee and Clarz took me to Urunga and I got a meeting in. I am still teary and flat but somewhat better. I have Arkue and Ana is mobile and doing meetings so there is the possibility of a lift to other meetings.
In the meantime – these few days suck. I am unhappy and lonely and still lost. I do not feel at home and I like feeling AT HOME. BUT it is just the meantime. THIS TOO WILL PASS.
“Rubbish!” screamed a fat, elderly woman, in Richard’s ear, as he passed her malodorous stall. “Junk!” She continued. “Garbage! Trash! Offal! Debris! Come and get it! Nothing whole or undamaged! Crap, tripe, and useless piles of shit. You know you want it.”
― Neil Gaiman, Neverwhere
The Aboriginal Sunrise Ceremonies are very special to our people. It starts when the sky is black, beautiful black. When the sun’s yellow circle arrives, it turns the sky red. This is why the Aboriginal flag is half red, half black with a yellow circle in the middle. At the Sunrise Ceremony, I meditate and ask the Great Spirit for direction. My hands fill with electricity. I touch you and you feel it, too. I heal people this way. My Grandmother did that, too. I learned all about that when I was a young fellow. Umbarra, the Black Duck, is the special totem of our tribe, the Yuin. We learn to respect the elders who hand on the Law. The elders guard the Law and the Law guards the people. This is the Law that comes from the mountain. The mountain teaches the dreaming.
Ituura rir kanono ritituhagia kahiuThe village, which has got a whetstone, does not blunt the knifeThe sense of the proverb is that if in a village there is a good whetstone it does not mean that the villagers should purposely blunt their tools in order to whet them. The time will come when the shetstone will have to be used.Every thing is good in its season.http://www.misterseed.com/linkpages/PROVERBS2.htm
I lost my wisdom for a while there and reached for the solutions of the West and the Beaten. There are wise ways to pass through this – as an Elder. Head up. Shoulders back.
“Elders watch children grow, and when they are ready to move to the next level they go through ceremonies to move to the next level of learning. All learning and life is part of a movement from circle to circle outwards until you become an
Elder in the outer circle, protecting and caring for all.
JUST TELL YOURSELF, DUCKIE, YOU’RE REALLY QUITE LUCKY.” ― DR. SEUSS
I am going round and round and seem to be descending. Haven’t left the house and barely been upright. My Spirit is almighty dim. I remain defeated. WELL – almost: I think that it is the living with an active alkie and having my finances in their care that is the most difficult thing.
Maybe I am not defeated . I have been lying on the bed like a starfish for days. Nights are OK but I do not want to face the days.
It is almost the anniversary of the passing of my sister.
Whatever is going on – I do not like it. I am unhappy and unmotivated.
BUT NOT RIGHT NOW. Its night and its dark and I am alone inside. And I am fine. Just fine. A few words with Arkue and I realised that it was neither foolish nor rash to want to live in a drug and alcohol free environment. That means that the decision to begin looking for an alternative is not selfish or irrational but actually wise. That has eliminated some of the feelings of craziness. I am enmeshed in an unhealthy situation. One which I have only endured a few times in recovery and certainly not with people to whom I am not otherwise connected.
Right – one conclusion reached. That’s good enough for tonight.
“Melancholy is the happiness of being sad” Victor Hugo
GOOD NIGHT, IZ. LIFE WITHOUT YOU IS ALMIGHTY BORING.