I have decided on a day at home. An OFF day but I don’t quite know what I want to do. The Pony is off the road as are all my cars. So now, I am deciding how to pass this day. There is a meeting in Bellingen tonight . I shall maybe book a taxi a little later.
In the meantime, however, I am a thinking. Thinking about the years with Izzy when I didn’t have to paddle my own canoe anymore. Now , all the old lessons are being re-learned. I have lost a goodly amount of faith in myself, life and God.
2 years on there is definitely an easing of the pressure of traumatic recovery. I am still jumpy about making mistakes and shaken when things go seemingly amiss. I am not greatly comforted by things which once worked for me but it is gentler even with Pony off the road and some hidden debts lurking.
Just for today, I am a little adrift. So – lets look back.
I used to live on a hill in Bilambil. In a lovely writer’s cottage and Jaybee and the Girls lived over at Kingscliff on the Beach. I drove all over the place in those days and had plenty of good meetings available to me. I thought there were some really happy endings in that period but they were Happy Nows that went off in all sorts of directions as Life does.
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I lived on the Tweed from 2001 to 2009. First with Guy and then, as usual, by myself and then with Izzy. I did some teaching at Tweed Heads School and became Nana. One time, Jaybee came down with tropical pneumonia and was put into Tweed Hospital. That was a rough time.
It was also a time and place of adventure for us. I had so many meetings and good people and we had the children. I had my Mum’s car and freedom.
I surely am not sleeping. Up and down all night. Then sleeping all day long. Now, with the physical illness reduced and the house a lot easier to live in than the shack, now – the Grief takes a hold on me and I can feel the trauma of being torn asunder. Now, I am aware of things I do no wish to do – rather than cannot do.
I did tonight’s meeting. Izzy used to take me and then we would eat out at Indian before going home to Raleigh and he would have done the shopping whilst I was in the meeting. BUT THOSE DAYS ARE GONE.
Now – I stand around and chat a while. Then get a lift to the Providore and I had a hamburger with pineapple and walked home. I AM walking. That’s a lot better. WALKING.
I am still living in a tension which isn’t good for me but the end is in sight. Its one of my Facetime nights with Eden which are one of the components of my happiness.
I Like this flat. Snug and safe. I am not sure of next moves but today is just about done. I have booked a cleaner and now I need someone to bring the rest of my odds and ends up here. Its rent day already. I forgot. And it don’t matter. It don’t matter at all. I think something physical has shifted inside and I feel a little more as I once did before the Death and the Coma. Imagine that !
MEMORIES : BRIERFIELD PADDYMELON.
The Kids lived 5 years out at Brierfield in a shack saving to build their new house. Its built now and is just up the road from me here in the Lyon’s Den.
Everyone has the right to be wrong! That includes whatever occurs this hour–either our mistake, or another’s. But we, or they, have the right to make that mistake. This is not cause for anger or guilt, just understanding.
This hour, understanding our right to be wrong will see me through. Please help me understand.